Vampires are Trendy, Drawing BLOOD is Doctor-ly

I have never been one of those people who have a fear of needles, or are squeamish with blood. I never have passed out at the doctor's office or cried upon receiving a shot (at least not to my knowledge--but, I mean I was a baby once). So, when I heard it was time for us to learn how to draw blood I wasn't freaked out, and I didn't come up with a lame excuse like most people do when its time for a charity blood drive ("I uh just really uh hate needles man"), I embraced it. I was, however, not enthused when I heard that this was going to be the first time that we would be acting as each others patients on something invasive. Up until now we have had standardized patients come in as our models, to teach us the pelvic and prostate exams, and the worst things we have had to do to one another are look in noses, eyes, ears, and test the Babinski reflex. Putting a needle in a classmate's arm, when we have never put a needle...anywhere (unless we were an IV drug user in the past, but in medical school this would definitely be on the DL), was...nerve wracking...to say the least.

5 of us were assigned to a nurse instructor, and by luck of the draw my instructor was a bit more like a drill Sargent. She had a witty, dry sense of humor, and I wouldn't exactly say her method of counting down "5,4,3,2,1..STICK IT IN STICK IT IN STICK IT IN"...really put us at ease. As an aside, I never realized how obviously sexual most of the instructions and comments about blood drawing are...and once I realized it, I laughed for most of my "non-turn" time. I had to turn away as to not look like I was laughing at my classmates drawing blood...and so I wasn't asked by my instructor what was so funny. Immaturity/sexual humor has its place...but it is not well tolerated in medicine most of the time (people like to act like they are above it, as, after all, we have to deal with anatomy every day, right??). Anyway, for the blood drawing exercise, we each had to learn how to draw blood with both a butterfly and a straight needle, and also how to switch the tube for collecting the blood in both cases. The butterfly needle (named for its shape) is the one that is the most used and is the smaller, nicer, easier, less painful, one. In fact, our instructor told us that straight needles are barely ever used anymore and she had to even ask why we even had to learn how to use them. The clinical instructor's response:"in case we are in third world countries and that's all we have". I guess you can never say that our school didn't plan ahead...

After watching a few of my classmates go (which was more like watching a bunch of "patients" pray that it didn't hurt, watching one "patient" pretend that it didn't hurt when he really got stuck in a nerve, watching a bunch of "doctors" hesitate, shake, and hope that they didn't actually hurt someone, and watch one "doctor" forget to take the tourniquet off first so that the blood squirted up and everywhere), it was my turn. For me, these skill learning exercises are always eye-opening about my handicaps, and this was no different. I discovered quickly that no matter HOW MANY times I saw the nurse tie the tourniquet...I ABSOLUTELY could NOT do it the same damned way. Literally all she did was almost tie a loop, but actually tuck the end in instead so that you could pull it out with one tug-one handed, and all I did was screw it up--a good 20 times. It was like when little kids learn to tie their shoes and they are like "loop, swoop, pull?" or "the bunny goes around..the what??"...and just do NOT get it...no matter how hard they try, or how many times you show them, and they mimic you. I seriously wish I had a camera to have taken a picture of my friend's face that I was about to draw the blood of (aka that I was practicing tying tourniquet on, as well). I am pretty sure she was thinking.."if this b----h can't tie a tourniquet, why the HELL am I letting her come at me with a needle??" (plus, I forgot to mention that I had actually volunteered to be her "doctor" as the whole time she was squeamish about watching other people draw blood and she had wanted someone she knew--and thought would do a good job). WOOPSIE.

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, every time I messed up the tourniquet, I kept saying, "don't worry, I promise, I will be great with the needle". I have no idea how I thought I could make that promise to her having never touched a needle, or drawn any blood before, but, the good news was that somehow I was right. Though I may have not been able to tie a damned tourniquet, I drew blood and switched tubes with both the butterfly needle and the straight needle in the first try, without hurting her. The bad news is...I probably can't be a surgeon. Tying knots is pretty important in that line of work.