Point, Push, and Spray: An Idiot's Guide to Pepper Spray

Due to a series of unfortunate and scary events surrounding a previously mentioned experience with a town car driver, I spent much of the past few days pondering my tools for self defense. Living in West Philly for the past 4 years, you would think that this feeling of being unsafe would have already crossed my mind virtually every day, especially since I am a 5 ft 1 female who looks 12. But that is just not the case. (Side Note: I know I look so young because recently I have both been carded in an emergency exit row on an airplane where the age to sit there is 15 and have had my wine taken away and given to a family friend who is actually 18) . Penn does a good job of making you feel safe in the "campus bubble" and honestly, I never carried anything for protection. Ok, so I always walked home in groups, and sometimes even called to be walked or driven(on a rare occasion) home by Penn Police, but that was the extent of my worries...even living in the neighborhood Will Smith had to leave for Bel Air. So, when this experience first started, my mom, concerned for my safety, sent me pepper spray (shocker this was my first can) and this key ring alarm thing that makes an obscenely loud noise when touched.

Last night while out walking my dog, I suddenly realized that I had not tried to use my pepper spray and had never played with the key alarm (seen above). How could I know that I wouldn't spray it in my own eyes, or that it even worked, if I never tried it?!?! So while outside I went on my phone (thank you internet at my fingertips) and googled "how to use pepper spray" just in case there was more to it than...point and spray. According to the internet, it was really that simple, but I found out that I needed to make sure the wind was not coming towards me to test it. Good thing I read this because otherwise the whole spraying myself in the face thing would have definitely occurred. Try 1: I close my eyes and hold the spray away from me and press on the red button....nothing happens. Try 2: same technique....still nothing, but a man walking by me stops and stares. I think to myself, "keep staring and if I get this thing to work I am going to test it on you". Failing again with a harder push (Think.. all of my strength distributed to my index finger) and try number 3, I realized that I must have missed a step or not noticed something important for the first time you use a can. By fiddling around with the can, I soon figured out that the red area that says "Push" on it and that I tried to "Push" as hard as ever, rotated and unlocked. WHOOPS. Oh right, it is LOCKED... Just like any other "weapon". That was an important step Google neglected to tell me. Epic Fail.

After unlocking it, I knew I was good to go. I closed my eyes and pointed it away from me again. I heard nothing that sounded like spray and got angry. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY "WEAPON"?! I tried one more time and I finally heard it sort of hiss out of the can. I then figured out that my "extra strength" pepper spray....well...sucks. Yes, that is right, virtually no spray comes out of the can and I am not even sure it has enough force to hit someone in the face. Due to my disappointment in my pepper spray, I decided that I want to learn to shoot a gun or use a taser and carry that. My current "weapon" of choice fires like a wimp and if I never practiced it, it would not have fired at all. Word to the wise: try out your "weapons" before you (hopefully never) need to. You might be there pointing and pushing while nothing happens...and I can not think of anything worse.

On a completely different note, my can openers (yes plural) are on strike. For the non-cook, having two can openers resist opening cans prevents me from well....eating. I can't make soup, beans and rice, tuna fish, chicken salad...nothing. The automatic (and more expensive one) one opens half a can and then refuses to finish it, while the hand opener punctures the can, goes one turn open and then gives up. I have to keep repuncturing the can and doing the next inch to get anywhere. FANTASTIC. I think if I ever want to eat again, despite owning not 1, but 2 can openers...I have to go buy a new one. Hitting the can hoping the stuff inside is strong/heavy enough to push out the half opened hole is not going to work forever. To continue on this unconnected rant, I saw a boy when I was out that I swear looks like a Jonas Brother. I do not really follow them and can't exactly tell you which one is which, but judge/see for yourself. After looking them up I vote Kevin, the recently married and only devirginized one. Yes I know this entire paragraph is totally random, but isn't that the point of the blog??!